Out-Crazy the Crazies

So, it's now April. I'm not going to make any petty excuse as to why I haven't written anything lately. I just haven't been inspired by anything lately, I am busy, I just got into a book, I have lots of class work to do, I have been trying to lose weight.
I'm lazy.
Anyway.
While waiting for the light-rail tonight, I leaned against a pole and sifted through the book I had in my bag. I had already read the book from cover to cover, so the sifting was pure entertainment...and partially a cooling system (not a "ghouling system", see A Haunting 16 Feb. 2009). Woo for citations!
Quick note, whenever I like a word..the way it sounds, that is...I continue to use it in sentences to come in different forms (sifted, sifting). It's a little game I like to play when writing. It makes life a bit more fun.

Back to the point.
I was leaning against the pole, sifting remember? I didn't want to be bothered. It's much too late an hour to be bothered by anyone. Meanwhile, a man to my right was talking to himself and then approaching different people, yelling at them. No reason at all. Just madness. Well, I was next in line and I didn't want a talkin' to by this 'crazy'.
I came up with a way to avoid the 'crazies' and get away with it. Nobody gets hurt. The trick is to be crazier than them. If they see that you are crazier than them, they surely won't want to mess with you. It's kind of like that blend in with the zombie mob maneuver, except, in this case, it is homeless instead of zombies...and they want your money, not your brains. Well, they might want your brains.
1. Talk to yourself. This is key. No one feels comfortable being around someone who keeps themselves company. This is usually easily done with a book, ipod (Celine Dion lyrics are perfect to look like the ideal 'crazy'), phone, headphones (not plugged in to anything), or some other item in front of you. If you have trouble bringing up conversation with yourself, just say anything that comes to mind. Find inspiration from other homeless crazies.
2. Make sudden, fidgeting movements. No one wants to get punched in the face. They'll back away for sure.
3. Shifty eyes, shifty eyes, shifty eyes. Say that 3 times in a monotone voice at a moderate speed. Lower your eyelids to a medium level and move your pupils from side to side. You end up looking mysterious or in serious need of a fart. Either way, no one will bother you. Mission accomplished.
4. Begin De-Crazy Stage. Okay, all the crazies are gone. No need to continue this charade. Stop talking to yourself and relax your eyes, no one is out to get you.
5. Convince yourself that you are not actually crazy. Take a walk around. Take deep breaths. Finish up any train of thought out loud if you have to.
6. Fight the voices in your head. You show them who is boss! Yell at them if you want to! Do anything to prevent yourself from becoming crazy. Take it out on people around you!

There. See.
Everyone wins.

Leaf Blowers

Machines that make such vile noise should not be allowed to operate before 12:00 P.M.

I don't turn on the vacuum at 11:00 P.M. and decide it's a good time to start Spring cleaning early.

And really? Leaf blowers? Use a broom like a normal person. It saves gas, like a Honda, but less efficient.

Couldn't garbage trucks pick a better time to pick up the week's worth of garbage other than 5:00 A.M.?

So, I've got the guy doing yard work and the garbage trucks giving me a surround sound of sleeping distractions. Next time I want to be woken up from a day on the beach, I will let the leaf blower, the garbage truck, and the guy with the lawn mower know right away.

52 Card Pick Up

It seems I always write on different computers and this one doesn't have spell-check. So, let's see how I do.

My sister told me the other day how she compared life to a giant puzzle. Something about fitting the pieces together and making it work in the long-run, I don't know, I wasn't listening. (Kidding)

I guess I thought of my own little analogy for life today, however, I feel mine might be a bit more overused.
Maybe life could be compared to a deck of cards.
Cards intrigue me, they really do.
First let's go over why we, as people, waste our time in comparing life to anything at all. We do these things because it brings us comfort in life. It brings us meaning and a guide to a higher call. No one knows why we are here, so analogies make us feel better. Like religion.

Did I lose some of you? Yeah, I lost half of my readers with that religion shinanigon. Relax, I wasn't saying anything bad. It was nice. All good intensions here.

Cards. There are chances in cards. There are chances in life. Risks are greatly associated with card games and risks make life more interesting. Cards are loads of fun when playing games, however, when taken too seriously, they lack any type of interest at all.

Hold on. I want to just say something. I hate reading. I do. It is really disappointing because I love writing and writers have to read, A LOT. For this reason, when I write, I make sure that it is worth while and completely engaging. So, just so you know, every word I write is worth your time...or someone's time....or my time? You get what I mean.

I tried to make a card tower today. I honestly have never made one before. It showed through my work. I had a good time. I spent three hours of my life making a 3 story card tower. I felt accomplished by the end. That's how life is. You spend years and years doing something and still feel empty. You spend 3 Ron-Measly (ha) hours making a card tower and you feel like you own the world.

You might be thinking...writer, are you comparing life to a deck of cards or a card tower?
Yes.

The truth is, I want to shuffle my life and play 52 card pick up in the rain.
I'm just worried about losing a few cards along the way. Aren't we all?


Go fish.

Due Dates and Shrinking Rates

A couple thoughts.

I wish bodies would shrink like clothes do under a warm wash. I wash my colors and my sweater shrinks 3 sizes. Don't you think bodies should act in the same manner? At least to fit the ruined sweater? I'm going to have to pull a Mike TV and stretch it out.
I want to step out of the shower one day and be like, ohhh; my waist shrunk 3 sizes. Bummer. I hate when that happens. Learned my lesson the hard way; don't take another warm shower and then tumble dry. Damn you high heat and steamy atmosphere. (Sarcasm included)

Teachers. I think you, too, should have due dates. If I work tiring hours and weeks over an essay due to you on a certain date, I think I should receive that grade within a reasonable time period. Okay, so I only work tiring hours over an essay, but they are still tiring because most of the time it is around 12:00 AM. "I'll get them back to you later," isn't a proper excuse. I can't very well get my paper to you some other day, can I? I know you have a life, but do your job: skim read my essay and slap an A on that sucker.

Does anyone know anything about specific computer viruses? After about 11:00 at night, my computer starts typing backwards when I try to type anything. I can't read mirror language and no one else can, that I know of, so this phenomenon is quite useless and annoying. Sometimes it even types in all capitalized letters. Who vexed my computer into typing in annoying styles? After 11:00 on my computer, I either look like I am shouting or I am on the wrong side of the mirror. Should I break a mirror to undo this wretched curse?

Just a quick grammar lesson. I know it seems like I really love grammar, but that is only because I do.
Then and Than (This one is my favorite.)

Then is a word used to justify time or sequence of events.
ex: Let's go to the gym, then we can go get ice-cream.
ex: Back then I used to think that there was only one type of political party.

Than is a word used for comparison.
ex: I am better at sports than you. (Comparing your ability, or lack there of, to play sports to my ability)
ex: People read less than they used to, but that's no surprise.


They don't even look like words anymore. I hate when you say a word too many times and it ends up not sounding like an English word. Like Jell-O. Or lamentablamente.
(Not actual English words, Sarcasm not included)

Coincidence

Two things. Quickly though, I am traveling.

I'm on, quite possibly, the slowest computer I have ever been on. Once you have been exposed to beautiful high-speed internet, you truly can never return to the dull, molasses-like box I call this computer. I don't know if it's the R.A.M. or the cable connection, but I feel I have aged a bit while attempting to surf the web on this browser. Slow computers are probably ranked in the top 10 on the Annoying Things About Life list; being so extensive, that's pretty good. I feel like I am in the mid-90's when computers were just gaining some decent speed. I mean, the sound doesn't even match the alerts. I am typing and it is actually revealing the letters with a 3 second delay. That's three seconds three many.

Also, does anyone else agree that watching movies late at night impairs your judgment of the actual film itself? Every midnight showing or late night viewing I have ever seen has always ended tragically, on my part. It's either a huge coincidence, or watching movies for the first time late at night is a no-no. Perhaps you are tired, or maybe it is something else...like you're sleepy. Watching movies late at night ruins them.
I saw the movie Burn After Reading last night at like 12:00. More like Burn After Watching. Everyone I know gave it great reviews and it looked fabulous, I just didn't like it at the time.

Perhaps another day I shall watch it while blogging. Nah, my computer can't handle two windows at once.


*The picture above is of a Chow Chow, a dog my sister found on the street and named Chowder.

New Found Instant Lunch, Glory!

New Found Glory is a band with interesting ideas for the ending to their CDs. Each one of them ends with a great song, however, the song has eight more minutes after the ending of the actual song. What is this?

The time is filled with either a scream or a whisper of creepy voices. The band goofs off at the end of their albums by singing lyrics like "Someone's in your house" and screaming very loudly ten minutes after your favorite song is over. This is no bonus track.

Now, my alarm clock is my ipod put on a shuffle setting. Apparently, the band members think it is comical that I wake up to a voice whispering someone's in your house at 7:00 in the morning. I've never woken up so fast in the morning. I suddenly tried to justify why someone would be in my house so early. You know how you are when you just wake up. You're still waking up from that groggy stage, you don't know what's going on. It's bad enough waking up as it is, but imagine waking up to a little whisper in your ear. Who did I anger so much so that they would come to my humble abode?

Heart attacks feel so good after a deep slumber.

I bought a chicken flavored Maruchan Instant Lunch bowl today. The one with the noodles, sodium-filled broth, and...vegetables?

Yes. There are carrots, corn, and peas in the Ramon broth. But, they're all dehydrated. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting my full dose of nutrition out of these bits and pieces of corn and carrots. I guess if you pay half the dollar, you're going to get half the veggies. But here's an idea Maruchan, don't advertise a colorful assortment of vegetables dancing in a bowl on the cover if you can't deliver. I better get happy, hydrated veggies for my two quarters next time, or someone will be in your house at 7:00 A.M. and it won't be New Found Glory.




*The picture in this blog consists of an Instant Lunch bowl and the band New Found Glory in the background.

A Haunting

My air-conditioner is haunted. There is no doubt about it.

All day it runs and makes no noise. It is quiet as a crowd while Aretha Franklin sings.

When I turn off the lights and get into bed, it suddenly starts making a noise that can only be described as a person punching at it from the inside.

Are there any air-conditioning experts out there or is my cooling system a ghouling system?